Dear Abby?

If I were to write an advice column, which is obviously part of my life plan, I guess I would have to call it "Dear Abby!" since I think "Dear Abby" is probably trademarked.

How To Eat Cupcakes A Lot

Today's post will be a short one, because the instructions for How to Eat Cupcakes a Lot, Such as for Every Meal, are simple: befriend Leigh Bush.

Le Bouche aime Le Douche

Abby says that it's my turn to contribute to the chronicles so I thought I might talk about face douching, also known as nasal rinsing, and to some of the wussier folks out there, the neti pot system. Now some of ya'll are gonna say, "Ew, that's gross, why would I want to go and douche my face?" Others might say, "I've tried douching my face and it just isn't my thing. I feel like I'm drowning." But I'm here to let you in on the amazing technology that is the facial douching system, and I think what all you naysayers are missing is the mind-body connection. It is by merit of the scientifically-proven placebo effect and the very important relationship, in which the brain believes in the power of the douche, that one can be cured of all ills with one simple tool. Remember, this is no ordinary tool - one is able to transfuse one's entire skull cavity with tepid briny water and thereby extract all manner of phlegm, mucilage and gooberesque entities from the nasal area. You will be amazed by the stuff that you'll find has been hiding up there. I mean, I've gone two rounds in a row with my nasal doucher and STILL removed all manner of globules from my interiors. And do you know what would happen without the face douching system? That's right, it all just stays there and harbors bacteria like an oyster gathering pearls of gelatinous scum that sits about fossilizing crusty kingdoms into eternity. Seriously, they're probably on their 467th round of monopoly up there.

So all I have to say is that next time you wanna go and rag on my favorite pastime you just go ahead and think about what good a little facial douching could do for you.

How to Make Multiple Uses of your Decorative Gnome Figure

Please direct your attention to the photo on my right (example A). If you are anything like me, your first thought is probably, "how can I get multiple uses out of my otherwise purely decorative gnome figurine?" Well gentle readers, you're in luck, because I happen to be an expert in the area of gnome exploitation ("gnexploitation") and also I refuse to do homework tonight because later we are going to the Yeasayer concert.

The first thing you should know about gnomes is that they are anything but decorative. The second thing you should know is that if they find out you know that, they will kill you. Gnomes are smart creatures, and so your gnexploitation adventures should be as stealthy as possible.

Consider example A. Gnarly over here was obtained at something called The Free Store in Holden, Mass. Like many fools, I originally thought Gnarly was only good for one thing: gnoming. But quickly I realized his potential for drying plastic bags, especially ones wearing unreasonably thin due to several dozen washings and reusages because if I am going to spend my money on anything in this town, it is going to be a good $6 beer or maybe a new tie if I'm feeling frisky, but definitely not a box of bags.

Gnarly has now fulfilled many important roles, such as navigator and tunage-master on road trips (example B, which is below example A, both of which are to your right). The purposefulness of your gnome will depend mostly on whether you are willing to pretend it is actually being useful instead of just posing for a quirky photo, and will depend to a lesser extent on your gnome's personality.

A word of caution: for your own and your children's safety, do not gnexploit while operating heavy machinery, except forklifts in certain circumstances. This comes from the obvious fact that gnomes, like dudebros, hate to be left out of the fun. It goes without saying that gnomes cannot operate cranes or those big balls that crash into buildings, so giving them a useful task at which they can excel ("strategic gnexploitation"), like sitting on books or hanging from doorways, will prove most useful in the long run.

The Ice Cream Project, part 1: Peanut Butter Cup

Welcome to The Roost. This is the house we live in, characterized by bright colors, a vegetable garden, and a fireplace that doesn't work (or so says our landlord). A new initiative at The Roost is to not reward ourselves with food. In theory this means that we won't indulge in sweets, telling ourselves things like "I went to the gym last month so it's ok that I ate an entire package of double-stuf oreos in half an hour." In reality we have merely been compelled to fabricate completely unrelated excuses to eat junk food.

Enter the Ice Cream Project. In an effort to give purpose to our near-constant craving for Ben and Jerry's (it was on sale last night), Leigh and I have decided to embark upon a treacherous and delicious journey in which we critically and objectively analyze every flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream available to us at the local grocer's.

This week's topic: Peanut Butter Cup. Because we can, analysis has been video-recorded for your viewing pleasure.

Overall scores: 7 from Leigh, 7.5 from Abby

We hope this sparks much insightful discussion.