How to Make Multiple Uses of your Decorative Gnome Figure

Please direct your attention to the photo on my right (example A). If you are anything like me, your first thought is probably, "how can I get multiple uses out of my otherwise purely decorative gnome figurine?" Well gentle readers, you're in luck, because I happen to be an expert in the area of gnome exploitation ("gnexploitation") and also I refuse to do homework tonight because later we are going to the Yeasayer concert.

The first thing you should know about gnomes is that they are anything but decorative. The second thing you should know is that if they find out you know that, they will kill you. Gnomes are smart creatures, and so your gnexploitation adventures should be as stealthy as possible.

Consider example A. Gnarly over here was obtained at something called The Free Store in Holden, Mass. Like many fools, I originally thought Gnarly was only good for one thing: gnoming. But quickly I realized his potential for drying plastic bags, especially ones wearing unreasonably thin due to several dozen washings and reusages because if I am going to spend my money on anything in this town, it is going to be a good $6 beer or maybe a new tie if I'm feeling frisky, but definitely not a box of bags.

Gnarly has now fulfilled many important roles, such as navigator and tunage-master on road trips (example B, which is below example A, both of which are to your right). The purposefulness of your gnome will depend mostly on whether you are willing to pretend it is actually being useful instead of just posing for a quirky photo, and will depend to a lesser extent on your gnome's personality.

A word of caution: for your own and your children's safety, do not gnexploit while operating heavy machinery, except forklifts in certain circumstances. This comes from the obvious fact that gnomes, like dudebros, hate to be left out of the fun. It goes without saying that gnomes cannot operate cranes or those big balls that crash into buildings, so giving them a useful task at which they can excel ("strategic gnexploitation"), like sitting on books or hanging from doorways, will prove most useful in the long run.